life is full of questions

.. and eligible bachelors. yes or no?

is it just me or has everyone been a part of something but never really had it all? it could just be me. i feel like a relationship just ended that never began in the first place. its aggravating, to say the least. and i guess its true; blog spots shouldnt be treated like a diary for all to read. but i want mine to be. and ive decided to do what i want.

so let me rewind just in case i have some extremely loyal and anonymous blog readers. which im sure i do..

i was not dating nor did i ever date him and now its "all" over. (ohh this could make it all the more fun... i will call him "mr. big!" haha i always liked that nickname.) i know; how do you end something that never began? im puzzled by it also. and even more puzzled by why i cant seem to get over it. although this did only happen about 2 hours ago. it has ended before. and i couldnt get over it before. this time will be different though. i can feel it. and its exciting :)

i may be excited. but its only partially. the other part is still irritated about closing a door that never fully opened. its all extremely confusing but maybe you can relate? i feel like we never gave each other the chance and now, we missed our opportunity to give each other the chance. people are always missing their opportunities..

so this is the scene.. well we talk almost every night. unless were busy of course. sometimes were busy hooking up with other people. and those nights we usually dont talk.

we were both busy this weekend. not with hooking up with other people (foreshadowing?), but with visitors. my visitors included shannon, cameron, jessica, and aunt flo. its always good to see aunt flo. especially when she surprises you in a brand new pair of panties! but thats both disgusting and besides the point.

so mr. big also had visitors this weekend and one included a girl in his bed! yeah. it was hard for me to hear. but luckily the news was broken to me via a "funny story." it was something about flirting, and being punched in the stomach, and then loosing your manners, and it being hilarious, and then hooking up. i dont know all the details but i assure you, it was funny! i mean you can imagine. thats all very funny stuff, right?

keep in mind that we were indeed busy with weekend (some of us busier than others) so we havent talked since like thursday. so when mr. big tells me this hilarious story tonight, i feel my stomach drop and my heart start to beat fast. i can be dramatic. epically with aunt flo in town. but i felt like this reaction was necessary. its true, we wernt dating nor did we ever date, but i felt like i had just been cheated on. its an awful feeling. ive felt it before. ive felt it before, but ive never actually been cheated on. it probably has a lot to do with the fact that we werent dating nor did we ever date!! can you sense that i am a wee bit bitter about that?

you see thats the thing. mr. big and i have been both friends, and friends with benefits for about 9 years. you can only imagine the drama within our time. but we never dated. now we never will. we want different things. and when i was asked by him if i thought we are compatible i said yes. and he said no. so that may have a lot to do with it..

i swear it hasnt always been that way. no matter what he says. i think we had a spark at one point or another. and i think we both think that. but we just let it slowly die out. today, the spark was extinguished. i would feel alot better about it all if we had reached the flame stage. but i guess hes right, you cant look in the past hoping it will change. it wont. maybe if barack was president then?

ok so, we never dated. but we did get to "know" each other. and as far as i know, we each only "know" each other. (if you know differently, id rather not know about it.) say know again. oh and is that tmi?

through out our 9 years of whatever you want to call it (except dating), the ball has taken turns in both of our courts. but what pisses me off the most is never throwing the ball when it was in my court. if there even is a ball or a court. imho, there are balls flying all over the place. twss. it seems like i would be feeling something but never would make a move and the next thing i know, the move was being made on me. my move. made on me! oh and let me clarify, the moves arnt steps in the right directions (well maybe they are in the right direction but they are not steps to bring us closer). for example, i knew that it all needed to end but never acted on it. then mr. big ended it for me. and from the smallest detail of never hanging up the phone on him when i was ready to get off because i didnt want to be rude and end a conversation while he was talking. but instead, it seems like i always got abruptly hung up on. midway through my conversation. so typical. maybe because im much too nice!? but anyway, those should have been my moves on my own court.

a close friend of both of ours once told me that if what we were doing didnt bring us closer, maybe we should consider dropping it. once i heard that, i knew it was time. time to drop the ball. but i was comfortable. very comfortable and after all; why close one door when another hasnt yet opened? thats like quitting one job without finding another. i know what your thinking: people do it all the time. and i know its all part of life and the excitement of not knowing whats next, but i am a puss sometimes. and this has just been one of those times. luckily, my move was used on me, once again, and the fire was put out by him. how sweet.

it was about time i take a big leap i guess. so here i go. out on a limb. and i fell like its a really dinky limb that has to hold me, and the extra chin i gained this weekend, up. this aint pretty.

so the question still haunts me; how do you get over something you were never under? and perhaps the most ironic part of it all is that you actually had been under it/him. ha ha pardon the pun. i had to.

hopefully i will find the answer i am looking for on my own. maybe i will find it in another mr. big? then again hopefully not. and the funniest part of all is that i always liked aiden more than big anyway.

this has been liberating.

god is love,
laur-ren

oh and yes, i guess this blog was about you. but you are still vain. yes or no?